What a difficult thing forgiveness is. When my kids were little, they would get into fights and inevitably someone would get hurt…..whether it was emotional (feelings) pain or physical pain or both! I would intervene and tell the offender to say, “I’m sorry” to the offended. They would do as I asked but it was never said from the heart. They knew that all they had to do was say those two words and they were home free. Now I watch in awe as my grown children have become parents and revised that whole process of asking their children to say “I’m sorry” to one another. They put more meaning into the forgiveness by telling the offender to not only say they are sorry but what they are sorry FOR….and to look their brother in the eye! Amazing how much more powerful it is…(o.k., the hug at the end might be a little stiff sometimes!!) My point is that they are teaching their children forgiveness from the heart. I applaud them.
Let’s first look at the opposite of forgiveness: unforgiveness. The author, Rhinehart, points out in this chapter that when you don’t forgive a wrong, it can take its toll on your life. You can become a slave to this person who hurt you. “…you remain emotionally under the control of the person who wronged you…..a bit ironic, don’t you think? Here you are, desperately wanting to break free from the pain of it all….” (p. 110)
Unforgiveness looks like “…cement that shuts down (the) heart, piece by piece, and turns it into something as hard as stone.” (p.109) Our hearts shrivel and there is less of us to offer to others and to God. And the worst part is you become this bitter, angry person and may not even be aware of that happening. (I know because that was me six years ago.) You feed off the bitterness and it IS like a weed growing in the garden of your heart. It is totally destructive and, as the author says, “it chokes the grace of God” in your life. (p. 113) Until you can freely forgive the person who hurt you AND/OR forgive yourself, your heart will be hard…..and you will not be able to experience the blessing that forgiveness can be!
Why should we forgive another when the hurt they caused was so great and they were the one who was in the wrong (or so we sometimes erroneously think)? The most obvious of answers may not be the one you were looking for, but as Rhinehart says, “we forgive, because in Christ, we have been forgiven. The arms that embrace us are wide enough to embrace those who hurt us – and those we have hurt as well.” (p. 110) How can we NOT forgive someone - when God sent HIS ONLY SON to die a horrible death on the cross - in order that WE be forgiven of OUR sins? How can we NOT forgive when WE have been forgiven by such a gracious God??
Is forgiveness easy? Most definitely NOT. Is it worth it? Most definitely. I can remember the point at which I began to forgive this person who had hurt me for years. As I prayed for God to take away my bitterness and anger, I started to feel lighter in my heart and just as the author says, “The offending person comes into focus, almost for the first time – with his own batch of insecurities, foibles, and plain old sin.” (p. 120) “In the process of forgiving, tiny little drops of understanding and even compassion come your way…..Perhaps in seeing the other person’s sin and weakness clearly, with some measure of empathy, God is whispering in your ear: You really are not the unwanted…unloved…unvalued woman you thought you were.” (p. 121)
“Forgiveness is about looking the pain straight in the eye and saying, ‘God is bigger than this.’” (p. 117) When we forgive we are saying that we release that person who hurt us – we are saying they don’t have to change or apologize to us to make us feel better. We are changing our focus from them to God with renewed confidence that HE will make us whole again. (We are releasing the offender from being the “God” in our life.)
“Forgiveness is not a magic wand.” (p. 119) It is important to remember that forgiveness is an ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight. It is “a big ‘Yes, I choose to forgive,’ followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” (p. 116)
“Truly forgiving and being forgiven, is like pumice to the soul….nothing keeps the heart in a softer, more pliable state.” (p. 123) Your burden will be lighter and you will feel freer if only you can forgive. It is necessary in order to experience a heart set free. I know - and am grateful to a gracious God.
Questions to ask yourself:
1. Do I have a difficult time forgiving others? Myself?
2. Is there someone I need to ask for forgiveness?
3. Am I harboring bitterness and anger towards anyone….have I not forgiven?
4. Do I feel the need sometimes to “get back” at someone who has wronged me?
5. Is my heart hard towards a friend, a spouse, a family member because of something that happened years ago and I have pushed it under the rug?
