Chapters 4 through 6 of Bravehearts spoke to me. What about you? I like to be in control, or at least, to feel in control (because being in control is quite an elaborate illusion, isn’t it?), and I can testify that I have been down the paths of what Sharon Hersh calls “the life-directions of controlling women”: independence, infatuation, and idealism.
Independence – determining not to want or care about relationships. If someone has hurt me or I perceive someone has slighted me, then fine, I didn’t care about them or our friendship anyway! I’m fine on my own. Have you ever felt that way? Sharon writes that “we diminish our potential for relationships when we determine that the only way to soothe ourselves is to not want relationships…believing that we don’t want, don’t need, and shouldn’t expect much from relationships siphons vitality from our hearts and prevents us from loving with abandon as God does.”
Infatuation – clinging to others as if our life depended on it.
Idealism – thinking that if the people, things, and circumstances of your life were just so, then everything would be alright. This can be subtle, so the author gives a list of thoughts that might reveal a heart controlled by idealism. Some that got to me are
- I seem to be the only one in my family who knows how to keep things clean.
- If I lose my temper with my kids, I am a bad mom.
- My prayer life is never good enough.
- If I check and double-check my work, I can make sure it’s perfect.
- I can control whether people like me by being careful how I say things to them.
Sharon writes that controlling behavior is often founded on a need for approval, and our perfectionism keeps us from accepting God’s unconditional love and keeps us working for the acceptance we will never be able to earn. It reminds me of a hamster on its wheel – just running and running and yet for what? She writes that “the foundation of legalism is a focus on ourselves, which results in lonely, unending striving, aloofness from others, and independence from God.”
What did you think of Chapter 4? Do you suffer from wanting to be “in control”? Do you fall into one of these paths more quickly than the others?
Stay tuned for Chapter 5 & 6 tomorrow. I didn’t want this to become the world’s longest post…
July 17th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Idealism is the life-direction that I consistently go to. I like your metaphor of the hamster on his exercise wheel. That is exactly what the striving for perfectionism is, because it isn’t possible to attain anything, but I keep trying. All that trying just keeps me away from God and those around me.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Oh, wow do I struggle with this. I have been very convicted as I’ve read through Sharon’s book. I’m ashamed at the way that my controlling nature has impacted my marriage at times, but so thankful that the Lord is faithful and is not finished with me yet! This is a clear area where I can see my sin and need for Christ.