Chapters 4 through 6 of Bravehearts spoke to me. What about you? I like to be in control, or at least, to feel in control (because being in control is quite an elaborate illusion, isn’t it?), and I can testify that I have been down the paths of what Sharon Hersh calls “the life-directions of controlling women”: independence, infatuation, and idealism.

Independence – determining not to want or care about relationships. If someone has hurt me or I perceive someone has slighted me, then fine, I didn’t care about them or our friendship anyway! I’m fine on my own. Have you ever felt that way? Sharon writes that “we diminish our potential for relationships when we determine that the only way to soothe ourselves is to not want relationships…believing that we don’t want, don’t need, and shouldn’t expect much from relationships siphons vitality from our hearts and prevents us from loving with abandon as God does.”

Infatuation – clinging to others as if our life depended on it.

Idealism – thinking that if the people, things, and circumstances of your life were just so, then everything would be alright. This can be subtle, so the author gives a list of thoughts that might reveal a heart controlled by idealism. Some that got to me are

• I seem to be the only one in my family who knows how to keep things clean.
• If I lose my temper with my kids, I am a bad mom.
• My prayer life is never good enough.
• If I check and double-check my work, I can make sure it’s perfect.
• I can control whether people like me by being careful how I say things to them.

Sharon writes that controlling behavior is often founded on a need for approval, and our perfectionism keeps us from accepting God’s unconditional love and keeps us working for the acceptance we will never be able to earn. It reminds me of a hamster on its wheel – just running and running and yet for what? She writes that “the foundation of legalism is a focus on ourselves, which results in lonely, unending striving, aloofness from others, and independence from God.”

What did you think of Chapter 4? Do you suffer from wanting to be “in control”? Do you fall into one of these paths more quickly than the others?

Stay tuned for Chapter 5 & 6 tomorrow. I didn’t want this to become the world’s longest post…

I’ve read the first three chapters of Bravehearts. If I’m going to be honest, I need to admit I saw myself a lot in the first two chapters. The author, Sharon Hersh, writes that her mom recently told her that everything she (her mom) had accomplished in life didn’t take much talent (pg 4), and that’s how I’m feeling right now in this season of life (I’m a stay-at-home of two little kids). I saw myself throughout pages 14 – 16 where she writes that women are filled with longings that never end – even when I get what I long for, I move on to longing for the next thing – and that, sadly, reality seems “often to answer my desires with disappointment” (pg 12) Hersh writes that we “take on the work involved in relationships to try to satisfy our longings. Our longings become the goal of our heart’s work rather than a means to an end” (pg 16). I didn’t really understand what she was getting at until I read the 2nd chapter, where she further explains how longing for relationship is a holy longing because God Himself longs for relationship. So, my longing isn’t a weakness, but a strength. Woo-hoo!

This really gave me something to think about – that I’m not a weakling because I want to love and be loved. What especially helped me believe this is her assertion that God was not ashamed to love us first (pg 26). This may seem like Christianity 101 to some of you, but you know how it is, we can forget the simple truths – the too-good-or-simple-to-be-true truths – that first drew us to the Gospel. The parables of the prodigal son, the lost coin, and the lost sheep show us that we are valuable to God, that he loves us and wants us back. Hersh writes that “holy longing invites change, promotes growth, and calls us into relationships that are life-giving” (pg 27). She writes that “longings are a means to this end, they are a force to lead me into an intimate relationship with God and to transform me into an extravagant lover” (pg 25). This convicted me a bit, because too often when I think about my desire for relationship and my longings in general, I mostly get down on myself or the world for one reason or another, instead of actually allowing these desires to propel me into action.

I’ve dwelled on just a part of what Sharon writes about in the first three chapters, but this is what jumped out at me. This is what I’m taking away: God is not ashamed to love me, even though I didn’t love him and continue to love (very) imperfectly, and therefore I shouldn’t be ashamed of my desires to love and be loved. Instead, I should claim them as the strength they are and allow them to lead me into meaningful relationships with others.

Is there anything that struck you from the first three chapters, or from what I’ve written about?

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From “Children’s Letters to God” by Stuart Hample and Eric Marshall.

If I could only give one book recommendation ever again, it would be this: The Beautiful Ache: finding the God who satisfies when life does not by Leigh McLeroy.

Were it not for the fact that I have somewhere to be in 5 minutes and I am still in my pajamas, I would share how profoundly honest and encouraging this book is. Two chapters left and I have nearly read the entire book in one sitting. Save life getting in the way, the book would be finished by now.

I simply don’t have the words for this book. Just read it. You’ll meet Jesus there.