Don’t forget that the Grab & Grow Dessert is next Friday, August 22 at 7:30. Even if you haven’t finished, come and enjoy some delicious dessert from TooJay’s along with fellowship and conversation. I’m going!
And speaking of not finishing the book…well, I did finish it, but this week has not been one that’s allowed me to think through and write. So, here’s my question for those who’ve read it, either now or in the past: What is the most meaningful thing you’re taking away from Bravehearts?
If you’ve been reading Bravehearts in a group, what did your group’s discussion focus on when you got to chapers 7, 8 and 9? I’m just curious. Now that I’ve read a good portion of the book, I realize that I’d love to actually be in a group and talk some things over in person! I guess that’s the whole point of the Grab & Grow Challenge, huh?
For me, Chapter 8 was a reminder of what we’re often taught at UPC – that we can only forgive and love to the extent that we realize how much we’ve been forgiven and how much we are loved. And not just that we’ve been forgiven, but what we been forgiven for. We must realize the depth and width of our sin in order for Jesus’ work and sacrifice and the Father’s forgiveness to mean as much as it ought. So, chapter 8 focused on confession, repentance, and the liberation of forgiveness that enables us to love others and pursue meaningful relationships without shame.
I enjoyed Chapter 9, “Heart Skills,” wherein Sharon gives 4 practical ways to love well.
See with Your Heart – Be on the lookout for other people’s strengths, gifts, and abilities. This might take some true patience and detective work if you have very difficult-to-love people in your life. I actually don’t have “difficult” people in my life, and yet I’m very quick to be critical of my family and friends, and overlook positive qualities in order to dwell on negative ones. This is a direct effect of idealism. I unconsciously hold people to my unrealistic expectations and then get frustrated when they don’t measure up. I’ve become aware of this is recent years and think I’m making progress in being aware of when I’m doing this.
Speak from your heart – also known as speaking the truth in love. I liked how Sharon reminds us several times that it’s not our job to change people – it’s God’s. This is very freeing to me. She also gives three ways to speak from your heart.
a. Pay attention to yourself – Even though we can’t change others, we can change ourselves. We can ask what we can do differently in a particular relationship. Let’s not always assume it’s the other person’s fault!
b. Pray about timing, if you do need to say something.
c. Practice without words – that is, let actions do the talking. She gives a list of creative ways to demonstrate love.
Wear your heart on your sleeve – This is not fashionable, but I like her point that God does it, so we shouldn’t be afraid to do the same. Why should it be a crime to admit that we want to love and be loved? Everyone in the world wants this, and yet for some reason we aren’t really allowed to talk about it. How ridiculous! Sharon says that we need to be vulnerable and willing to risk disappointment if we’re going to love well.
Sacrifice for your heart – This is where Sharon makes the case that loving extravagantly will not always change your circumstances or the people around you, but it will change you. Evidently, people who are available for deep, emotional relationships are healthier and live longer (p. 160). I’m missing what she means by “sacrifice for your heart,” however. Did anyone understand that part?
In Chapter 5, Sharon writes about the hard-hearted woman. She says that a heart of stone is nurtured by these four “uniquely feminine behaviors in relationship: jealousy, comparisons, envy, and gossip.” I sort of laughed at the”uniquely feminine” bit. Is that really true? I guess it probably is.
Jealousy – being afraid of being left out in relationships. I liked her discussion on God declaring Himself jealous and how that shows us just how far He’s willing to go to be in a right relationship with us. I liked how she said that jealousy has holy longing as its root and can be directed toward positively impacting relationships as long as it’s identified, admitted, and worked through. Instead of wallowing in self-pity when we perceive we’re being left out of a relationship, do something constructive about it! Confess it. Talk to the person who it involves. Don’t let it eat you and turn your heart cold.
Comparison – this is what unchecked jealousy leads to. Comparing ourselves to others keeps us focused on ourselves, the material, the superficial, and on what we don’t have. It can lead to false humility (I’m not as good as she is at fill-in-the-blank), and it cripples self-esteem. So, stop it, I tell you! Just stop. Easier said than done, I know. I am the poster child for this one.
Gossip – wounding another’s reputation with our words to another person.
Envy – when it pains you to see others get what you want; when you can’t rejoice with those who rejoice; when you’re sickened at the sight of others’ success. Have you ever felt this way? The only reason I can so freely say that I have is because I know I’m not alone. Isn’t this just the blackest of the black? I’m appalled at myself. But this is what a sin nature is. This is the whole reason Jesus died for me. My heart is nasty like this.
Sharon writes that guilt can be a blessing, and I have to agree. It’s what causes us to repent. Sharon suggests replacing these behaviors with an attitude of gratitude. She writes that gratitude moves us from believing that we are lacking to rejoicing that we are blessed.
I won’t ask whether you struggle with any of these things because I know the answer and I also know you don’t want to discuss the dirty details in the comment section! I’m wondering, however, if any of you did either of the two exercises Sharon suggests at the end of chapter 5 - monitoring your self-esteem and asking yourself the three questions she gives, and/or not going to sleep without expressing gratitude to another person and to God. How did these activities impact you?
A brief word on Chapter 6: Sharon writes that holy longing for meaningful relationship has been written into our make-up by the Creator, but when we ignore, discount, misunderstand, or disregard it, we often look elsewhere for satisfaction, leading to what she calls an affair of the heart. Mary Beauvais had good thoughts on this chapters a few weeks ago. Check it out.
Chapters 4 through 6 of Bravehearts spoke to me. What about you? I like to be in control, or at least, to feel in control (because being in control is quite an elaborate illusion, isn’t it?), and I can testify that I have been down the paths of what Sharon Hersh calls “the life-directions of controlling women”: independence, infatuation, and idealism.
Independence – determining not to want or care about relationships. If someone has hurt me or I perceive someone has slighted me, then fine, I didn’t care about them or our friendship anyway! I’m fine on my own. Have you ever felt that way? Sharon writes that “we diminish our potential for relationships when we determine that the only way to soothe ourselves is to not want relationships…believing that we don’t want, don’t need, and shouldn’t expect much from relationships siphons vitality from our hearts and prevents us from loving with abandon as God does.”
Infatuation – clinging to others as if our life depended on it.
Idealism – thinking that if the people, things, and circumstances of your life were just so, then everything would be alright. This can be subtle, so the author gives a list of thoughts that might reveal a heart controlled by idealism. Some that got to me are
Sharon writes that controlling behavior is often founded on a need for approval, and our perfectionism keeps us from accepting God’s unconditional love and keeps us working for the acceptance we will never be able to earn. It reminds me of a hamster on its wheel – just running and running and yet for what? She writes that “the foundation of legalism is a focus on ourselves, which results in lonely, unending striving, aloofness from others, and independence from God.”
What did you think of Chapter 4? Do you suffer from wanting to be “in control”? Do you fall into one of these paths more quickly than the others?
Stay tuned for Chapter 5 & 6 tomorrow. I didn’t want this to become the world’s longest post…
I’ve read the first three chapters of Bravehearts. If I’m going to be honest, I need to admit I saw myself a lot in the first two chapters. The author, Sharon Hersh, writes that her mom recently told her that everything she (her mom) had accomplished in life didn’t take much talent (pg 4), and that’s how I’m feeling right now in this season of life (I’m a stay-at-home of two little kids). I saw myself throughout pages 14 – 16 where she writes that women are filled with longings that never end – even when I get what I long for, I move on to longing for the next thing – and that, sadly, reality seems “often to answer my desires with disappointment” (pg 12) Hersh writes that we “take on the work involved in relationships to try to satisfy our longings. Our longings become the goal of our heart’s work rather than a means to an end” (pg 16). I didn’t really understand what she was getting at until I read the 2nd chapter, where she further explains how longing for relationship is a holy longing because God Himself longs for relationship. So, my longing isn’t a weakness, but a strength. Woo-hoo!
This really gave me something to think about – that I’m not a weakling because I want to love and be loved. What especially helped me believe this is her assertion that God was not ashamed to love us first (pg 26). This may seem like Christianity 101 to some of you, but you know how it is, we can forget the simple truths – the too-good-or-simple-to-be-true truths – that first drew us to the Gospel. The parables of the prodigal son, the lost coin, and the lost sheep show us that we are valuable to God, that he loves us and wants us back. Hersh writes that “holy longing invites change, promotes growth, and calls us into relationships that are life-giving” (pg 27). She writes that “longings are a means to this end, they are a force to lead me into an intimate relationship with God and to transform me into an extravagant lover” (pg 25). This convicted me a bit, because too often when I think about my desire for relationship and my longings in general, I mostly get down on myself or the world for one reason or another, instead of actually allowing these desires to propel me into action.
I’ve dwelled on just a part of what Sharon writes about in the first three chapters, but this is what jumped out at me. This is what I’m taking away: God is not ashamed to love me, even though I didn’t love him and continue to love (very) imperfectly, and therefore I shouldn’t be ashamed of my desires to love and be loved. Instead, I should claim them as the strength they are and allow them to lead me into meaningful relationships with others.
Is there anything that struck you from the first three chapters, or from what I’ve written about?
——————————————————————————————————
To receive articles by email enter your email in the box below. After pressing the “Subscribe” button you will be asked to enter letters in a gray box. You will then receive an email called “Activate your Email Subscription to: Craving Grace”. In that email click the provided link to confirm you want to subscribe.
Categories