For the remaining chapters I’m going to do something different. Mostly because I’ve been out of the country and was not able to keep up with the weekly reading. I just started back up with Chapter 6, and I don’t want to rush through the book because there is so much to savor. Sheri and Ruthie filled in for me while I was gone.

So for the remaining chapters, I’d like to hear what your thoughts are. Leave a comment. Or if you’d like to write up a paragraph about the chapter, email it to me and I’ll post it.

We had a great time at our dessert sharing what we learned from the Grab and Grow Challenge. This year we choose the book Strong Women-Soft Hearts by Paula Rinehart. If you are not familiar with the Grab and Grow Challenge, one of the things we did on Friday was come up with a definition of what a SWSH is. If you are not familiar with the book you might want to read some of the chapter reviews posted on this site.

Here’s how the talented, creative and intelligent women of UPC defined a SWSH…

Strong in faith; Trusting God to take care of you so you can love and care for others.
Dependent on God
Vulnerable and engaged with others
Willing to take risks (knowing God will protect your heart)
Intentional about life
Approachable
Listens to God
Knows boundries
Not afraid to fail

The author sums it up well when she says…
“You can live in the present moment with your heart open and alive-saying “Yes” to life-because your future looks really bright. In Christ, your way Home has been prepared.”

It’s interesting that all of the qualities of a SWSH directly link back to who God is and what he enables us to be. It’s not about us at all, it’s really about who He is and the work He is doing in us!

If you haven’t read it yet you can borrow a copy or pick up your own at the RTS bookstore in Oviedo. If you order it online make sure you get the expanded edition that includes the study guide in the back.

The overwhelming consensus on Friday is that this is a book for EVERY woman! Our list of characteristics of a SWSH is not complete what would you add?

Ruthie Delk graciously filled in for us for this week - thanks so much Ruthie!!

I can’t believe that I am the one that ends up reviewing the chapter from SWSH on Sexuality: The Heart’s Unsuspecting Mirror. How did this happen!! I want to say right off the bat that I think this book is amazing and EVERY woman should read it. I’ve never read a book that quite captures the struggles that women deal with in such an authentic way. And this chapter is no different. She tackles the issues surrounding physical intimacy between a husband and a wife in a truly insightful way. For instance, have you ever thought of your physical relationship with your husband as worship? Have you ever thought of it as being celebrated in heaven? Have you ever thought of your attitude about it as being a true reflection of what’s going on in your heart and in your own relationship with God? Startling questions. The answers are even more startling. But the bottom line is this:

“Physical intimacy, set in its true context, takes us straight to the heart of God, because the necessary components of trust and faithfulness and passion, belong first and foremost to him. Sex is a drama that mirrors the sacrificial love of God-a spiritual reality so beautiful, so profound, it will take the whole of our lives to comprehend….for now we have an experience that bonds us for life-body and soul- with the heart of another human being…we have a place of shelter, healing, passion and dare I say it , grace.”

I can honestly say that I’ve never really thought about it that way, have you? She does a great job of laying a biblical foundation for understanding the purpose of sex and helps us redefine our perspective along these lines-instead of our culture’s view. She also explains how men and women are different (duh!) but in a way I had never really heard before. As women we tend to compartmentalize our world and the various roles we play. I may not feel like I’m doing a great job as a wife, but I can look at my parenting, or work, or role as friend, daughter etc and feel like I’m doing okay in those spheres. But for a man, his world and roles are connected. If he is failing at work he feels like he’s failing everywhere. So it makes sense that if his level of intimacy with his wife is not satisfying then he feels like a failure everywhere else. “From a man’s point of view the absence of an intimate physical connection with his wife, one he can confidently count on, injects the most toxic of emotions into their relationship.” Isn’t it ironic, that we want to be loved unconditionally, but see nothing wrong with making them “earn” what really should be a gift.

As you think about this..
1. What in your life has distorted your view of your sexuality? What lies would you have to stop believing in order to line your thoughts up with what the bible teaches?
2. If you’re married, what changes do you need to make in your attitude toward this specific aspect of marriage?
3. If you are single, how can you keep your heart open and express your sexuality in good and rich ways that honor biblical standards and not the culture’s.

What a difficult thing forgiveness is. When my kids were little, they would get into fights and inevitably someone would get hurt…..whether it was emotional (feelings) pain or physical pain or both! I would intervene and tell the offender to say, “I’m sorry” to the offended. They would do as I asked but it was never said from the heart. They knew that all they had to do was say those two words and they were home free. Now I watch in awe as my grown children have become parents and revised that whole process of asking their children to say “I’m sorry” to one another. They put more meaning into the forgiveness by telling the offender to not only say they are sorry but what they are sorry FOR….and to look their brother in the eye! Amazing how much more powerful it is…(o.k., the hug at the end might be a little stiff sometimes!!) My point is that they are teaching their children forgiveness from the heart. I applaud them.

Let’s first look at the opposite of forgiveness: unforgiveness. The author, Rhinehart, points out in this chapter that when you don’t forgive a wrong, it can take its toll on your life. You can become a slave to this person who hurt you. “…you remain emotionally under the control of the person who wronged you…..a bit ironic, don’t you think? Here you are, desperately wanting to break free from the pain of it all….” (p. 110)

Unforgiveness looks like “…cement that shuts down (the) heart, piece by piece, and turns it into something as hard as stone.” (p.109) Our hearts shrivel and there is less of us to offer to others and to God. And the worst part is you become this bitter, angry person and may not even be aware of that happening. (I know because that was me six years ago.) You feed off the bitterness and it IS like a weed growing in the garden of your heart. It is totally destructive and, as the author says, “it chokes the grace of God” in your life. (p. 113) Until you can freely forgive the person who hurt you AND/OR forgive yourself, your heart will be hard…..and you will not be able to experience the blessing that forgiveness can be!

Why should we forgive another when the hurt they caused was so great and they were the one who was in the wrong (or so we sometimes erroneously think)? The most obvious of answers may not be the one you were looking for, but as Rhinehart says, “we forgive, because in Christ, we have been forgiven. The arms that embrace us are wide enough to embrace those who hurt us – and those we have hurt as well.” (p. 110) How can we NOT forgive someone - when God sent HIS ONLY SON to die a horrible death on the cross - in order that WE be forgiven of OUR sins? How can we NOT forgive when WE have been forgiven by such a gracious God??

Is forgiveness easy? Most definitely NOT. Is it worth it? Most definitely. I can remember the point at which I began to forgive this person who had hurt me for years. As I prayed for God to take away my bitterness and anger, I started to feel lighter in my heart and just as the author says, “The offending person comes into focus, almost for the first time – with his own batch of insecurities, foibles, and plain old sin.” (p. 120) “In the process of forgiving, tiny little drops of understanding and even compassion come your way…..Perhaps in seeing the other person’s sin and weakness clearly, with some measure of empathy, God is whispering in your ear: You really are not the unwanted…unloved…unvalued woman you thought you were.” (p. 121)

“Forgiveness is about looking the pain straight in the eye and saying, ‘God is bigger than this.’” (p. 117) When we forgive we are saying that we release that person who hurt us – we are saying they don’t have to change or apologize to us to make us feel better. We are changing our focus from them to God with renewed confidence that HE will make us whole again. (We are releasing the offender from being the “God” in our life.)

“Forgiveness is not a magic wand.” (p. 119) It is important to remember that forgiveness is an ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight. It is “a big ‘Yes, I choose to forgive,’ followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by.” (p. 116)

“Truly forgiving and being forgiven, is like pumice to the soul….nothing keeps the heart in a softer, more pliable state.” (p. 123) Your burden will be lighter and you will feel freer if only you can forgive. It is necessary in order to experience a heart set free. I know - and am grateful to a gracious God.

Questions to ask yourself:
1. Do I have a difficult time forgiving others? Myself?
2. Is there someone I need to ask for forgiveness?
3. Am I harboring bitterness and anger towards anyone….have I not forgiven?
4. Do I feel the need sometimes to “get back” at someone who has wronged me?
5. Is my heart hard towards a friend, a spouse, a family member because of something that happened years ago and I have pushed it under the rug?

I don’t know about you, but when I first read this chapter, I thought to myself, “These two words do NOT go together…..vulnerability and strength!” At least you don’t usually see them used in the same sentence. When one thinks of being vulnerable, the words “at risk” or “unprotected” come to mind, don’t they? Perhaps even “weak” or “needy.” Yet, as the author points out in this chapter, “God bids us come into the vulnerable place his Son occupied…” and “God offers us a special kind of strength, one that is rooted and grounded in a reality that transcends ourselves.” (p. 105)

In our society today, successful women are often portrayed as super-everything (i.e. supermom, superchef, Ms. Fix-it, superchauffeur, supermodel, superteacher, superchurchlady). UGH! We know in our heart of hearts that it is impossible to have that kind of strength or overall success…..unless you are like Popeye and eat your cans of spinach 3x a day! We are pressured into thinking that it IS possible to DO and BE everything to everyone. But “the strength God would shape in us is vastly different from the kind with which we are confronted each day.” (p. 92) There IS no human model for strength (sorry, Popeye!)……we need to look to God and the CHOSEN vulnerability of His Son.

“Behold the Lamb. There is no more vulnerable animal.” (p. 92) Think about it….God could have saved us from our sin some other way. But He chose to send His ONLY Son to die for us. Jesus could have changed the way the events took place….but HE didn’t. He placed himself in the path of great suffering and humiliation. Strength and Vulnerability….hmmm! As Rhinehart states, “It takes great courage to be a strong woman with a soft heart - but it is possible in Christ. It is the model of strength he lived.” (p. 94)

So how do we do that?? First we discover our hearts. You may think that sounds easy but , with all the hats we daily wear, our own hearts are the last thing on our minds…..right?? And we hide behind the different masks we don depending on whom we are with! When was the last time you searched your inner self and thought and prayed about your needs, your dreams, your fears, your losses? When did you last take time to reflect on the real YOU?

Rhinehart suggests journaling and I recommend it highly. She says, “Jounaling is like a farmer tilling the soil - only this is the earth of your life that’s being tilled. The seeds of truth sink in much deeper, and God shapes wisdom in your heart.” (p. 96) It is where you can begin to see who you really are and what you are about. It is also a place where you can let go of past hurts, guilt, fears, etc…..and it can be very cathartic. Journaling helped me when I was going through a very painful time in my life. It is also a great way to pray and/or write what you are thankful for at the end of each day. Try it!

The final step is sharing your heart in order “to draw us closer to one another and to God.” (p. 102) Perhaps you have done that one too many times and felt the sting of rejection. So now you guard your heart….whether it is with your husband, a daughter/son/sister/brother, a friend. There is nothing worse than pouring out your heart to someone and having them think you are creepy or weird. Ouch! You want to run the other way or cry or both! But as the author says, “We don’t mend each other’s brokenness, we admit our needs and let that draw us to each other and to God.” (p. 102) “It is as we ‘walk in the light,’ where he is, that we have actual connection with each other.” (p. 100)

“It’s wonderful when you can put your heart out there in some way and it’s not trampled upon. Or you take a deep breath and actually ask for help - and there ’s a willing response.” (p. 102)

So have courage. Take the risk. Don’t close off your heart. Honor your heart and your God. Share your heart with the people God has put in your life. “Real success is measured only by the courage it takes to do and say what needs to be done or said.” (p. 103) “As difficult as it is to live with a vulnerable heart, it is far easier than camping out behind a facade.” (p. 105)

“What will you do with your heart, even if no one understands of offers validation? Will you honor your heart with the dignity God does - regardless of how you are met by others?” (p. 103) I hope so….

The Strength of Vulnerability…..hmmmm! Definitely a “God-thing” and a good thing!